What if God doesn't answer the way I'm hoping?
You go through a season of seeming calm and then, out of nowhere (at least from our human vantage point) the trials just rain down like a flood.
The songwriter got it right:
"When sorrows like sea billows roll. . ."
I've been feeling the weight of trials pressing in these last days. My 4 year old is facing possible surgery; my hubby found out he will be moved to a different shift at work (which makes family life and ministry nigh impossible), and my daughter's gastroenterologist reminded us yesterday (with little empathy, I might add) that diet alone can't stay this disease, and that most likely there are things going on under the surface, despite the fact that she looks "like a million bucks" (her words, not mine.)
All these burdens in a matter of days to press in on my heart.
The traffic was ridiculous as we crawled home after that appointment yesterday. It gave me time to think.
I'm not always sure I like time to think. I like to go. A million miles a minute. Processing things requires mental and emotional energy I'm not sure I can afford to spend. . . and I'm also realizing, it requires a yielding, a letting go, a releasing of my grip and hold on all I long for and hope in.
So yesterday, my heart grappled with how to pray, what to pray.
Is it right to pray for deliverance? Is it godly to ask God to remove the heartache? To end the hurt? To provide? To bring healing?
As I wrestled, these were some of my thoughts:
If I don't go to Him and ask what I'm longing for; if I can't talk to Him about that very thing I'm struggling with, then am I not instead attempting to handle it on my own?
And if I'm striving to deal with it in my own strength, with my own plan, in my own heart, and not letting Him in; if I'm not opening up my hands and my heart to Him, and letting the real me come face to face with God, to wrestle and prevail, to not leave until He truly blesses me, then what am I really hoping in?
So, what if He doesn't answer the way I'm hoping?
What if healing doesn't come?
What if we have to live with this?
What if better employment never comes?
What if things are always tight financially?
What if reconciliation never happens?
What if we go to our graves with precious relationships still broken?
Will I still hope in Him?
The way I see it, what's the alternative?
Hoping in myself? Hoping in this world and it's systems?
Hoping in some man-made method or strategy?
True faith is not having everything neatly packaged with a bow on top. True faith is going to God about everything.
True faith is being real with Him because He's real to you.
True faith is about being present to His presence no matter what the circumstances.
True faith is believing that nothing is too wonderful for God, and so true faith means I must pray for provision and deliverance and healing and reconciliation. I must beg God to make all the wrong things right. . .
Not because I deserve it, or presume that I know what will best bring Him glory, but rather, because not to ask, for me, would be self reliance. It would be pride. It would be succumbing to cynicism and doubt.
Only Christ is truly good.
Only Christ truly knows the beginning from the end.
Only Christ loves me no matter what.
Only Christ forgives my every failing and sin.
Only Christ gives every ounce of grace I need for every day.
Only Christ wanted my good to the degree that He gave HIS life for me.
Only Christ can save!
Only Christ can make it WELL with my soul.
And when it's all said and done, does anything else really matter?
So, will I hope in Him, even if He doesn't answer the way I'm hoping?
The way I see it, I don't have a viable alternative.
He is all I have. All I need. ALL I WANT!
(Here's a song I pray encourages you, my friends. He is able. He is worthy of ALL our HOPE! No matter what! Just click on this link: Even if)
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